Jace Alexander Gikas

September 4, 2003 - February 25, 2004

I really don't have a purpose or anything I specifically want to say here. I just needed to talk about Jace today on the first anniversary of his death.
I miss that little boy sooo much!!! He was sooo precious and special. He came through so much being born so early. To look at him you would have no idea that he had come 14 weeks early - until you heard his age - otherwise you would have thought that he was born in December as he should have been.
Miraculously Jace had no real problems as many preemies born that soon do. He just bustled right through and took the bull by the horns. Nothing was going to stop him in life - except death.
I visited him the day before he died, like I always did. We had a standing Tuesday date :) Since I didn't have to worry with being home for anyone getting home from school I always stayed late - until after rush hour traffic had calmed down. I hugged him good-bye not 12 hours before he died. My precious little godson!
Has it really been a year AND wow, it's ONLY been a year - how can you have such opposite feelings at the same time? On one hand, it seems like I just snuggled him close yesterday, while on the other hand it feels like I haven't seen him in simply forever.
It's sooooo unfair!!!! The anger is still there but it has dimmed I realized. I'll bet that er dr doesn't even know he died - possibly because he didn't run tests that are standard for babies under 1 year old getting a nosebleed... much less preemies that get nosebleeds --- there's a standard of care and certain tests that are suppose to be run on all infants with nosebleeds - he didn't perform any of them nor even examine Jace. Even after death he was cheated - the coroner I suppose couldn't be bothered by an "obvious" SIDS case so he didn't even perform a correct autopsy as many dr's have pointed out. But the coroner couldn't prevent his death but that er doctor *might* have if he'd just taken the time to run some tests. &$*^$%#&$&%
But Jace, he wasn't about anger or sadness, he was all about life. That little precious thing was so utterly sweet you could gobble him up! How I wish I had taken more pictures of him and of me with him. But I was too preoccupied being with him to do such a thing.... I mean, we had the rest of his life to take pictures, right?
Of course, I have something more precious than pictures though, my memories. So far those memories haven't faded. I wish there was a VCR for our brains ya know. But how would you record things such as how soft his little cheek was when you pressed your lips to his little face, or how light he felt compared to the rest of the children. Oh but you could record that sweet little grunt or his adorable little cry or the way he cooed to you. Or how about the way he looked at you like, "Man I sure do have to put up with a lot being a cute little baby." I remember a comment made once about how he looked so wise for such a little baby... and the way he was in general - like he knew what life was all about and he was going to live it and enjoy all of it. It's very hard to describe to those who didn't know him... but those that did know him, know what I mean.

Please visit his website .... www.geocities.com/carisma474 ... we're working on the guestbook - so if it's full and you wish to sign it, please email me and I'll see that it gets in there once we empty it ... loewetn@hotmail.com

I miss you sweet baby boy!

Dragon tales and the Water is Wide
Pirates sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed, Sweet Dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon we'll find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed, Sweet Dreams

God bless Mommy and matchbox cars
God bless Dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "amen" wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet Dreams

-- Dixie Chicks "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"


i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

-- evanescence "my immortal"

I love you, Jacey-bug!